Light on the Horizon

Have you ever had a moment when you realized that something you really wanted and prayed for in the past turned out to be something that wouldn't have been good for you after all? Maybe you were even angry at God for not allowing you to have it at the time, only to be extremely thankful that you didn't get it after all. Well, I had a moment like that just the other day. Let me back up and tell you from the beginning.

I hate my job.

No, really. I do. Despite what I feel God has shown me, it doesn't change my feelings for my current job. Sorry if you were expecting something more spiritual sounding. Here are the reasons, as briefly as possible, because I don't intend for this to turn into a post where I whine about my job. Our manager has never been in the position she is in right now before, and she is cutting corners where she shouldn't. She only ever schedules the smallest possible skeleton crew at all times, then complains when work doesn't get done on time. It leaves everyone working there stressed out and overworked.

As you can imagine, this isn't the kind of job that was my first choice, or one that I am keeping by choice. It is just one of those things you stay with until you find another one. Job searching continues, and it is very discouraging to put in for position after position after position, especially when it seems like none of these companies are taking my application seriously.

Among the many applications that I sent out, I put in for at least three or four different positions at my own home church at different times. Unlike the companies who did not know me, to whom I was just another faceless resume among a hundred others, I was extremely hopeful of these positions. I am active in the church, serve on a volunteer basis in several capacities, and I had experience for each of the positions that I applied for. Yet, in each case, I handed in a separate application and resume, and weeks later was sent a form letter informing me that the position was filled. No interview, no sign or indication that my application had received any more notice then the hundred other companies I had applied to unsuccessfully.

For a little while, I was angry at God. I wondered if He was ignoring me, or taunting me by allowing me to be hopeful about these other, better jobs, then crushing me. Then I began to see something. At my church, a lot of importance is put on the outward show of emotion when it comes to "worship" and spirituality. The pastor makes no secret of the fact that, in his opinion, those who are not extroverts aren't really worshiping. This is a problem, as I am not an extrovert, I don't naturally move around or raise my hands in response to music, I don't spontaneously say "amen" during sermons, and when I make personal decisions I don't go to the "alter." Yet, I had been forcing myself to do these things more and more lately in order to conform to their false idea of worship in the hope that I would be accepted. It only caused self-consciousness, completely distracting from what the real purpose of the music and the sermon should be. God had been showing me that I didn't need to seek acceptance from people who expected me to change personalities just to please them. I had gotten tired of being of being fake.

What does any of this have to do with job applications, you might ask? Well, it finally dawned on me that if I had gotten any of those jobs at church, I would probably have felt compelled to keep seeking to please them by conforming to their idea of worship. And even if I didn't, I would have run into tension with church leaders by working on staff without putting on the show they would have expected. No matter how much I thought I wanted those jobs at the time, God knew they were not good for me. He wasn't ignoring me, taunting me, or being cruel. He was doing what only our God who sees all can do.

I still don't like my current job, but no one there expects me to be someone I am not. And God is showing me that while He might not do things on my schedule, He is still working.