Downhere - Let Me Rediscover You

Your Spirit hovers over my waters
Your love burns longer than the sun
The skies of thunder echo Your wonder
Your praises can't be over-sung
The whole universe is witness
To only a part of what You've done

Let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Let me rediscover You

You see my weakness, my pride, my blindness
You wield Your power through them all
Of all the mysteries, still, 
The greatest to me is that You're faithful with I fall

Let me cry "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Let me awaken to Your majesty
And see a glimmer of Your glory
Let me abide in You

Let me rediscover You
And by Your grace I'll follow through
Reveal to me the God I thought I knew

Light on the Horizon

Have you ever had a moment when you realized that something you really wanted and prayed for in the past turned out to be something that wouldn't have been good for you after all? Maybe you were even angry at God for not allowing you to have it at the time, only to be extremely thankful that you didn't get it after all. Well, I had a moment like that just the other day. Let me back up and tell you from the beginning.

I hate my job.

No, really. I do. Despite what I feel God has shown me, it doesn't change my feelings for my current job. Sorry if you were expecting something more spiritual sounding. Here are the reasons, as briefly as possible, because I don't intend for this to turn into a post where I whine about my job. Our manager has never been in the position she is in right now before, and she is cutting corners where she shouldn't. She only ever schedules the smallest possible skeleton crew at all times, then complains when work doesn't get done on time. It leaves everyone working there stressed out and overworked.

As you can imagine, this isn't the kind of job that was my first choice, or one that I am keeping by choice. It is just one of those things you stay with until you find another one. Job searching continues, and it is very discouraging to put in for position after position after position, especially when it seems like none of these companies are taking my application seriously.

Among the many applications that I sent out, I put in for at least three or four different positions at my own home church at different times. Unlike the companies who did not know me, to whom I was just another faceless resume among a hundred others, I was extremely hopeful of these positions. I am active in the church, serve on a volunteer basis in several capacities, and I had experience for each of the positions that I applied for. Yet, in each case, I handed in a separate application and resume, and weeks later was sent a form letter informing me that the position was filled. No interview, no sign or indication that my application had received any more notice then the hundred other companies I had applied to unsuccessfully.

For a little while, I was angry at God. I wondered if He was ignoring me, or taunting me by allowing me to be hopeful about these other, better jobs, then crushing me. Then I began to see something. At my church, a lot of importance is put on the outward show of emotion when it comes to "worship" and spirituality. The pastor makes no secret of the fact that, in his opinion, those who are not extroverts aren't really worshiping. This is a problem, as I am not an extrovert, I don't naturally move around or raise my hands in response to music, I don't spontaneously say "amen" during sermons, and when I make personal decisions I don't go to the "alter." Yet, I had been forcing myself to do these things more and more lately in order to conform to their false idea of worship in the hope that I would be accepted. It only caused self-consciousness, completely distracting from what the real purpose of the music and the sermon should be. God had been showing me that I didn't need to seek acceptance from people who expected me to change personalities just to please them. I had gotten tired of being of being fake.

What does any of this have to do with job applications, you might ask? Well, it finally dawned on me that if I had gotten any of those jobs at church, I would probably have felt compelled to keep seeking to please them by conforming to their idea of worship. And even if I didn't, I would have run into tension with church leaders by working on staff without putting on the show they would have expected. No matter how much I thought I wanted those jobs at the time, God knew they were not good for me. He wasn't ignoring me, taunting me, or being cruel. He was doing what only our God who sees all can do.

I still don't like my current job, but no one there expects me to be someone I am not. And God is showing me that while He might not do things on my schedule, He is still working.

Bored

Ever since returning to my "home church" after being away for quite a long time, I've found myself with a very uncomfortable problem. The inability to stay focused during church. On the better days, when I've been able to get a full nights sleep, I find myself zoning out very quickly during the sermon. On days when I'm tired (my job sometimes has me working late Saturday night), I actually start nodding off. It's a problem for a couple of different reasons.

The least important being that, in a church like mine, being caught not paying attention or worst, sleeping, during the sermon is seen as deeply unspiritual. Especially if it happens a lot.

The real problem, though, lies in the fact that it means I'm just not getting anything out of the sermons. I've seen more then a few articles and blurbs written on "How to Stay Awake During A Church Service", some written with serious intent and others meant to be funny. But that still doesn't solve the problem. If all I do is manage to stay awake, but still zone out, I'm still learning nothing, getting no spiritual encouragement, and the Holy Spirit isn't working.

I finally figured out the problem one particularly frustrating morning as I sat zoning out, giving up on trying to take notes. I started to flip through the notes from past sermons, wondering what was wrong. As I turned back to the passages I had written down for those past outlines and read through them, it started to occur to me why it was hard to pay attention. I even wondered why I hadn't figured out the problem sooner.

Everything was so...shallow. Right at the surface. The only things mentioned on my outlines (meaning the only thing the preacher talked about) were the most basic, easy meanings of the text, without any kind of depth or extra study involved in it. The only reason I had written it down was because I was trying to stay awake and pay attention.

What happened to really studying the Bible in depth? Looking at more then 3 or 4 verses at a time? Looking at the context of the passage? Looking at the context of the book? Explaining the cultural setting and how it differs from our western 21st century setting? Isn't that the job of a pastor? Shouldn't he be encouraging his congregation to study Scripture in the same way? Yet, all I was seeing in my notes were concepts so simplistic that I wasn't sure why we had a separate children's church.

To make it clear, I'm not looking for some kind of secret meaning, or for the pastor to find something in Scripture that no one has ever found before. I don't want heresy in the name of "something different." I want a church that seeks to study the Bible as a whole, in depth. This is not too much to ask.

The Assembling of Ourselves Together

Every week, I meet in a large building with a lot of other Christians. There is a lot to do, and many pressures at this place. There are things to take care of, responsibilities and duties to fulfill, and programs to run. Lots of programs to run. I don't feel free to be myself there, and the pressure is always on doing. A lot of planning goes into these weekly meetings, and it's something that encompasses most of the day. Any time I am actually sick enough to justify staying home, services are cancelled for some reason, or I only have to go to work, it's really a relief.  Between the long stream of programs, I sit down to be preached at by a man who I have been told is my spiritual leader. The problem is, I barely know the man. We are hardly ever in each other's company, speak even less, and there are a couple hundred people in the congregation to compete with for his attention. What qualifies him to be the spiritual leader of anyone that he knows next to nothing about?

We call this place church.

On a different day of the week, I go to a different kind of Christian meeting. I don't have to plan for, worry about, or dread this meeting in any way. In fact, this is a meeting I always look forward to. There are no programs, or mass of people I barely know. When we meet, it is to study the Bible together and to pray together, not to simply get preached at by someone else. There is discussion and encouragement as we learn from one another and lift one another up. There is no pressure to be fake or act "super spiritual" for the people around me.

We only call this a Bible study.

No contest which I prefer over the other. The problem is, if I finally got so tired of the circus that church so often seems to be and just quite going, I would automatically be labeled "back-slidden", "unspiritual", and other accusations. And not just by the people in my own church. Books and articles abound of Christians condemning their brothers and sisters who don't attend a church. The reason for not doing so makes no difference to many of these writers. If I quite going to Bible study for some reason, the only reaction would be for the other participants to express how much they miss me. The Bible study is seen as unimportant by everyone else, so what does it matter if I go or not?

The question is, which of the two is closer to what the Bible actually wanted the church to do? Is the purpose of the church to make use of its members to prop up its programs, or to encourage and prepare its members for service to God outside the church? Is the church a stage for us to do our best "spiritual" impression, or a place to learn real spirituality while still being accepted as imperfect people?

And if a church tends toward the former instead of the latter, what right do they have to condemn people for leaving? I'm getting more out of a 2-hour Bible study then nearly a full day of church. There is a problem.